Nervous breakdown?
... well, maybe not quite that bad.
But I can't sleep at night (the worst part)
I'm unmotivated during the day
I get fed up with the hospital
I get grumpy very easily
And I don't even know the reason.
If things are still like this by the end of the year - might take a year off med
But then, I was happy last week - my mood goes up and down
And sometimes, I look forward to my end of year elective (which is still to be planned, but I have imaginings)
And if I don't do med...
... what can I do?
weaved by Sally at 11:32 AM
13 Comments:
hey sally...
grumbling again...?
sori wasn't able to talk long last nite..
i was reluctant to offer any advice prob cos i myself have those thoughts running across my head all the time...>.<
lol how much i wish i could holiday in bailieu eastern asia collection for a yr or half a yr to focus on things i like.. and produce something more meaningful than my stress & poor results in med... >.<
i think wat kept me going in med was mainly the hope of staying for as long as i can with friends... and hopefully graduating with them too. LOL
so *hugz*
sorry i am not around wen u r down in rmh... *sniff*
well i am looking forward to see sally at the end of 2008, graduating with her triple degree with honours, and getting red roses as well. *grin*
and me hope to graduate at the same time, not needing to stay down a yr cos i cbs studying now... LOL
so, lets both put down some negative thoughts and look foward to that day,yeh? *grin again*
3:23 PM
hi sally,
greetings from montreal, where the snow was literally knee deep today!
sorry to hear that you're feeling unmotivated. it's hard to be so gifted -- you could do so many things. the real question is: what should you do? that's what i'll be praying about, and i hope you will too.
if you didn't become a doctor, i can imagine many things that you could do, but i think you already know the one that would be the best fit.
3:45 PM
Wow - knee deep snow. It would be amazing to see that again. We are having quite hot weather for early autumn, in the high 20s and low 30s.
I'm not sure what I could do that would be the best fit...? (I remember having a discussion with you and Michele, but I don't know that we actually came up with anything...?)
4:36 PM
Maybe it's your subconscious trying to get your attention, warning you change is in the air?
I chose to study Arts/Science over medicine at the end of year 12, and I've been experiencing similar symptoms to what you've described the whole time (~ five years now), VERY intensely too. Things only got worse and worse for me the more I tried to convince myself that I'd eventually just settle into my course, aka the more I tried to ignore the physical symptoms and manifestation of chronic stress, anxiety, very poor sleep, and even depression.
So I started to do A LOT of soul searching, eventually finding the practice of meditation and the spirituality within which it is a component. Slowly, gradually, my mind is clearing up and my body calming down, though not without passing though some very tough battles within (with) myself. My insight? - I am the *cause* of my own misery.
4:56 PM
Hang in there, most people go through same anxiety in sem 9, and in these moments all the hesitations and reservations we had in the past always resurface and makes one question one's correctness of course. Are you on the right path? That's something for you to answer, but regardless of the answer, you are on _a_ path, and through it you are being an effective human being with your God-give talents (be they small or great or (in)adequate for the moment being), and for being on one path, does not exclude you being on another.
Lower your expectations a little, prioritise, for nothing makes one more stressed than expectations not met, and nothing exhaust one's coping more than muchness of stress.
Good things for me today, got to do some parking, saw a good friend, had lunch with her and got a present from her, broken my 4 pt/shift record, worked with nice reg and resident, pissed-off reg from days ago smiled at me, chronically-pissed off consultant was not working with me (downside is that he evaluates me despite being away for long time and not having good impression) AND I finally have internet at work-home so that I could check things up and learn things. Small blessings, but makes me happy, and you know how easily it is for me to get unhappy.
:) Q
12:07 AM
To the first anonymous person:
- what are your reasons for having doubts about sci/arts? To me it sounds like a really interesting course to study, with lots of choice of topics and areas...
5:10 PM
hi sally,
i think you're right. in the discussion with m, i don't think we came to a conclusion about what you should do — other than that you might want to think more deeply about your motivation for being in medicine. it's not that your motivation was anything evil, but the question was whether or not it was enough to sustain you. i guess we're about to find out.
as for my comment about your already knowing what might be the best fit, i'll admit i could be mistaken on that. but i look at you and for all of your many talents and interests, it seems to me that your loves are music and mathematics. i'm not in a position to evaluate (at least with any kind of authority) whether you could make a go of either as a profession, but my instincts say that the answer is yes.
maybe it's the former graduate and faculty staff worker in me, but i think you'd be a great math professor, both as a teacher and a researcher, and i could imagine your enjoying a fruitful ministry in the university as well. moreover, i think you'd really enjoy it. it wouldn't likely be as prestigious or as lucrative as being a doctor, though, and consequently, some (probably important) folks around you would be disappointed; that's a lot to face. you might also have to confront some of the ways you think about yourself — though, at some point, pretty much everyone has to.
anyway, this has gotten to be quite a tome. just know that we are praying for you, and that we love you and think the world of you. if we feel that way, i can only imagine how God must see you.
6:36 AM
Thanks for replying to my comment.
My doubts about Arts/Science aren't entirely related to the course itself. At the end of VCE, I was burnt out, overwhelmed, and already having sleeping problems when I had to made a decision on a tertiary course. So when I started uni, my initial conditions, both physically and mentally, were very poor, which made my transition from high school to uni extremely difficult, and the above problems remain problems for me even now (more than five years later ...).
In retrospect the wisest move for me to make was to defer uni for 6-12 months to focus on relaxing and getting some much needed rest, instead of thinking I had to push myself even harder at uni so that I'd be a successful scientist/researcher/academic. As it happens, I wasn't very wise at all, and failed to pick on up the warning signals of chronic stress, anxiety, and sleep deprivation, which made focussing on my studies very difficult. Add to this the fact that my subjects have been advanced maths/physics/philosphy subjects, I feel like I don't know anything at all, much less feel confident about constructing something of a viable career out of what I supposedly 'majored' in.
On the positive side of things, Arts/Science *is* a very interesting and stimulating course to take. I think if you have a real passion for something and are talented, then it's definitely something well worth thinking about.
7:46 PM
jThanks for your prayers, Barry (& co). I'll keep praying, too, and trying to work it out. I really miss you guys in Montreal!!
To anonymous... ohh.. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Were you interested in the subjects you studied? (they seem like interesting subjects to me, except I might have studied French instead of philosophy. And chemistry instead of physics ;-p) If so, and you did well in them, how come you still feel like you didn't know anything, and feel unsure about an academic career?
Sorry about all the questions - I hope I don't sound like I'm probing - I'm genuinely interested, at least partly because I almost did Sci/Arts myself, and in my less wise moments when I wish to change the past, wish that I had. I am also partly intrigued by who you could be, given that I don't know that many people (if any!) doing sci/arts at Melbourne. ;-p
10:05 PM
hey sal... just leaving my pawprint on your blog again ;p haven't done so for quite a while, eh?!?
i guess i find it hard to say much constructive on the phone - i don't know if i'll be any more successful here - but if i want to say just one thing, it'd be that whatever you want to do, and whatever you *end up* doing, i'll always be there to support u... ;p
anywayz - i honestly don't know what the best way to deal with these feelings are. i strongly think that across the board, almost everyone who attempts to streamline themselves after having had so many options will have feelings of discontent, regret, helplessness... these are part of the way our minds torment us - they tend to be phasic (and interspersed with periods of contentment and interest), but they are inevitable, because medicine comes with a lot of challenges and a lot of disappointments...
each time those challenges and disappointments resurface, those who are versatile will end up asking the question "what if?" - perhaps music would've been better? or science? or law even? - and the more these thoughts are entertained, the more they'll feature in the scheme of thoughts that crop up each time you feel disappointed or discontent with life...
i know you are going through a hard time. there are a lot of reasons, and med is just one of them (there are a few others, too)... i guess the best thing is not necessarily to focus on how things could be different (i'm not saying that the question should be ignored), but rather to focus on how to be content... (like paul, perhaps?) then, when not focusing so much on the negatives, then you'll be in a better mind to contemplate the question you're asking, "what should i be doing?"... i think it's difficult to come up with a good answer to such an important question when depressed...
i don't know if much of that made sense - but am praying abt it, and i know that God will point you in the direction of His plan... sleep well, ttyl ;p
10:39 PM
(oops, wrong google account!) ;p it's me...
10:42 PM
To Sally,
I don't mind your questions :).
Basically, I feel that I made the wrong decision in choosing Arts/Science. In part this is because I wasn't in the best of mental states to be making major life decisions at the end of VCE (Medicine was always at the back of my mind). Nonetheless, if things had worked out okay anyway, I guess I wouldn't be complaining so much. However, things haven't worked out quite so well. The major contributing factor here has been chronic fatigue (not the syndrome, but from sleeplessness practically every night over years), which has made it very tough to learn and understand, focus, be mentally alert and attentive etc. Admittedly , it is still possible to function while very tired, but just not well - you don't feel good, you get irritable, tasks (especially conceptual ones) take longer to complete, you make more mistakes, you're less creative, you're in want of motivation ... And all of that adds up to stress, anxiety, and more sleeplessness, and so the cycle perpetuates itself.
Unfortunately it is difficult to see clearly when you're in such a cycle, because you (well, I) become so focussed on the physical symptoms of stress, as you just want them to go away, aka I want to stop feeling anxious and depressed but instead of taking time out to fully relax, I am driven by (reacting to) anxiety (stress) to work harder in a bid to feel relaxed (I'm imagining/hoping/praying for) when I'm finally on top of things again. So what I effectively end up doing is focus on being stressed out in order to stop feeling stressed out, which of course is irrational.
In retrospect, I really tried to be interested in my subjects and to do well in them, and I guess I did succeed to some extent; but I think I understand human psychology better than I do physics, and care more about mind-body health and well being than maths. So leaving philosophy, which hasn't given me the meaning I was seeking at all, but raises more questions than it answers. Where to now? I'm really not sure at all.
Moral of the story? You're not alone in having twenty-something career/life angst. Like someone older and wiser once said to me: 'You'll eventually find your solution'. Only, I'd add, 'Sometimes you need to be prepared to look (allow yourself to see it) in the most unlikely of places'.
X
11:34 AM
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3:06 PM
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