Med is driving me crazy (warning: grumblog)

Med is driving me crazy.

I've always had a bit of a roller-coaster relationship with med, but in the last couple of weeks it's really been stressing me out. The hospital is such a stressful environment, with stressed patients, stressed and overworked doctors, and rude and grumpy nurses. There are some things I do enjoy, like understanding new concepts and seeing medically interesting things, but in the bustle of a day, those things can be few and far between. I also feel a lack of support - my group (of six students) isn't very cohesive, with people of different personalities mainly trying to do their own things rather than work together. I more often feel stressed rather than supported by them.

All this is stressing me out so much I haven't been sleeping properly, waking up at early hours and not being able to fall asleep at night. Which only worsens the tiredness and my bad feelings towards it all.

I just don't know if this is the kind of thing I want to be in for the rest of my life, especially the stressful environment. Maybe it's a matter of getting used to it again - I have had a two-month holiday and before that was in a country hospital for 6 weeks, with quite a different atmosphere - perhaps I just need to get used to life in the city hospital again. Part of me isn't sure though. I'm not really enjoying things, and even despite the interesting bits of medicine, feel that the creative parts of me, the parts that enjoy discovering new things, aren't really being challenged, but rather, suppressed. It feels that we are being taught nothing more than 'formulas' for patient care, basically being turned into machines to power the medical factories that they call hospitals. There is not really any space for innovation, for new ideas; everything is about 'tradition' or 'experience'.

These thoughts have been brewing for awhile, and it's kind of funny/strange what has brought them to the fore: the movie Miss Potter, which I saw last night on a Valentine's Day date with Dave. It really spoke to the creative side of me, and made me realise that so many things are possible, and that sometimes it's necessary to fight against what people expect of you, and seek after your own dreams. It made me yearn for a life away from the bustle and stress that I experience every day in a city hospital; a life of tranquillity, and stability, where I can be free to be creative, be myself, and be supported.